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CyberDating
Lie Detecting
by: Kathryn Lord
Did
you know that Online Dating is the top moneymaker on the Web? Chances are
good that if you are single, you have joined a site or two yourself. If so,
you've probably asked my CyberRomance clients' top question too:
"How can I tell if they are lying?" Lot's of ways! Here goes:
First off, much of "the problem" of Internet lying is media over hype. What
kind of interest would there be in a story about all the honest people who
are on the Net?
But of course some people do lie, and being concerned about who is and who
isn't lying makes a heck of a lot of sense.
Reasons people lie:
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To avoid conflict.
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To avoid the consequences of
their behavior.
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To postpone having to make changes
in lifestyle.
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To hide something they did or
did not do.
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To avoid rejection.
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To be in control of a situation.
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To avoid being embarrassed.
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To make themselves appear more
successful, good, or talented than they really are.
All make terrific reasons for
people to lie online.
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How to detect lying:
A truthful person will be "congruent." That means that all the information
they give out -- their words, body language, they way they live and dress,
everything -- fits together and contains no contradictions. People who lie
will be incongruent in some way.
Here's what to watch out for:
1. How they use words: written, on the phone, or in person --
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Talking faster or slower.
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Changes in voice pitch.
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Taking charge of conversation,
attempts to distract you.
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Continual denying of accusations.
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Unusual voice fluctuations, word
choice, sentence structure.
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Stalling the conversation by
repetitive use of pauses and comments like "um" or "you know."
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Lack of use of contractions.
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Prefers emphasizing "not" when
talking.
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Being extremely defensive.
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Saying "Trust me."
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2. How they behave or the attitudes
they exhibit:
3. In-person behavior
clues:
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Touching chin, covering the mouth,
or rubbing brows.
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Crossed arms or legs.
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Pupils narrow.
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Playing with hair.
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Body language and facial expressions
don't match what is being said such as saying "no", but nodding head up and
down.
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Avoidance of eye contact, eyes
glancing to the right, staring past you or down, or turning away from you
while they are talking.
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Rigid or fidgeting.
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Slouching posture.
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Unnatural or limited arm and
hand movements.
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Partial shrug.
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Lack of finger pointing.
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May place a barrier such as a
desk or chair in front of self.
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Sweating, even if it isn't a
warm day.
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Saying "no" several times.
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4. Your own inner
cues:
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You sense something is not right.
-
Explanations do not feel enough
for you.
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You feel confused, you find yourself
squinting or angling your head.
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You feel a block or a wall between
you and the other.
In Internet dating, or any kind of
dating for that matter, keep your anxiety down, your head attached, and LISTEN
to everything your date tells you in every way. People tell you about themselves
constantly, from the very first second of contact. You have to be willing
to hear it. Not only do they tell you by what they do say, they tell you
by what they don't say.
Many of these cues can come from simple distraction or nervousness, not deceit.
New daters have plenty of reasons to be anxious. Signs of lying differ from
one person to another. Don't let your own nervousness force a jump to wrong
conclusions. Give your date a break and take some time.
Often, Cyber daters move too quickly to the phone and/or a face to face meeting.
Gone is the golden opportunity to safely ask questions and study answers
slowly and over time. Vastly increased are tension and anxiety, which complicate
clear thinking and judgment.
With online dating, you have a tremendous advantage over meeting immediately
flesh-to-flesh: You have a written record of what the other tells you. Make
use of it! Take your time and get to know your potential Sweetheart the
old-fashioned way -- through writing!
About The Author
Kathryn Lord, Romance Coach
Helping singles find someone wonderful!
eBk: "Find A Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women"
4870 Oak Ridge Road, Vicksburg, MS 39183 / Ph. 601-619-0030
Stay current with my complimentary enewsletter *eMAIL to eMATE*
Subscribe at
http://find-a-sweetheart.com/newsletter.html
www.Find-A-Sweetheart.com
/
Kathryn@Find-A-Sweetheart.com
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